Maintained by Keith Garner. The views expressed in these quotes aren't necessarily my own. They are just things that I found funny, interesting, or paradoxical. Also, some are here on request.
Also, I was bored, so now the quotes page is compliant.
"Anyone learning to program in C needs to have good buffer dicipline beaten into their heads. It's like wiping your butt after crapping - mandatory basic hygine. If you can always remember to wipe your butt, you can always remembers to watch your buffer lengths." -- Mr. Slippery, 12/15/2004, in a Slashdot comment
"Even slashdot can not compare to the awesome power of 10k dorm students downloading porn and dvd.isos all day." -- Mark Notarus, 11/15/2004
13:01 <seva> someone ought to try writign a virus that
prompts a user to insert a blank CD-R into the drive, write
itself there as autorun and tell them to insert it into
another PC
13:01 <seva> just to see how dumb it really is out there
-- Simon Epsteyn, on a day of a virus outbreak that not only
flooded e-mail boxes but hammered Google, 7/26/2004
15:37 <@h4ck> Actually, we've got a box of them in the
storeroom at mot
15:38 <@h4ck> there's got to be 500 terminators in that box.
15:38 <@h4ck> we keep them in there so they don't go after
Sarah Connor.
-- Chris Stamborski, actually talking about SCSI
Terminators, 7/22/2004
10:00 <@Lone-Wolf> gotta get a marriage license friday
morning, meet with the reverend friday afternoon, do some
shopping friday night, purvi gets hair done saturday
morning, got a "dog party" saturday afternoon, formal dinner
with parents saturday evening...
10:00 <@Ark> please tell me that "dog party" is some kind of
group sex party where everyone is constrained to doggy
style
10:02 <@h4ck> ark: actually, it's where everyone walks
around on all fours sniffing each other's asses until they
find an appropriate mate, and then the mounting starts.
-- Brian White, Keith Garner, and Chris
Stamborski, 7/14/2004
"What you think that because a guy works for a search engine he can't start some shit?" -- Vikram Adukia, 4/22/2004
"It must suck when the entire world is your customer." --
Keith Garner, 4/21/2004
"But it's also my urinal so that makes up for it." -- Joe
Gross, 4/22/2004
"Well, it was written by a people who were alternately fighting wars of genocide and of survival. Then one of those people a few millenia later said 'The old Law is fullfilled, these are the two commandments: Love your God above all, and love your neighbor as you love yourself.' You can't really blame Him if His followers since keep harking back to version 1.0. Well, you can, but it's hardly fair to those who try to live by the 2.0 version." -- Captain Nerd <cptnerd@nerdwatch.com>, 3/26/2004, on the bible
"If Darl McBride was in charge, he'd probably make marriage unconstitutional too, since clearly it de-emphasizes the commercial nature of normal human interaction, and probably is a major impediment to the commercial growth of prostitution." -- Linus Torvalds, 12/4/2003, http://www.infoworld.com/article/03/12/04/HNmcbrideletter_1.html
09:13 <Upholder> SCO: 'the GPL violates the US Constitution'
09:13 <Upholder>
http://www.pcpro.co.uk/news/news_story.php%3Fid%3D49420
09:17 <meekay> Typical. They don't say which lines of the
Constitution.
-- Jeff Randall and Mike Kolb, 10/28/2003
12:09 <Scola> Ark: dude, did you impregnate your wife
while I was not looking?
-- Mike Khalili, 10/24/2003
"you have no idea how happy this makes me. two wonderful people i know bringing new life into the world that will be showered with love....and linux" -- Anne Nowinski, 10/16/2003
"PF has never leaned over the railing in left field at Wrigley and knocked a foul-out from Moises Alou's glove." -- Dave Terrell, 10/15/2003, extolling the virtues of OpenBSD as a firewall
"If you want your dick sucked, you still gotta do some work
to convince the sucker it's a good idea; no one is just
going to suck it for you for no reason." -- Joe Ardent
"For some reason, I'm struck with the profound truth of Joe's
statement." -- Ed Burns
10/7/2003
"Jason, I hate to be the first to tell you this, but hot women have HOT TITTIES." -- Mark Notarus, 9/9/2003
<mykey> Woo.... Krispy Kreme opens up in less than a month
near my house.
<Lone-Wolf> hey, theres a job!
<Lone-Wolf> thanks president bush!
<Lone-Wolf> thanks to your economic recovery efforts i
can get a job slinging donuts!
-- Mike Maggio and Brian White, 5/27/2003
"Users don't care how a wrench works, as long as they can use it to hammer a nail." -- Joe Gross, 5/8/2003
"SHOCKING YOUNG PUSSY VIDEO" -- the subject of spam that I
received
"If you're in the market for this sort of thing, how can pussy
exactly be 'SHOCKING'?" -- Sean O'Connor
Makali wrote:
Whenever a programmer thinks, "Hey, skins, what a cool idea", their computer's speakers should create some sort of cock-shaped soundwave and plunge it repeatedly through their skulls.
I am fully in support of this proposed audio-cock technology.
-- From Jamie Zawinski's rant on the state of Video on Linux
"I guess given that p = you care about me, q = you should stop, r = wants a relationship, s = we should wait, that statement boils down to (p -> q) & (r -> s), and since presumably neither p or r were true that entire statement evaluates to true. But, this is not CS 173" -- Dave Terrell, 1/15/2003
I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving (*).....
(*) For the non-US aware of you out there: it's the time of year when the whole country turns into one big turkey-filled trough, and pretty much everybody just pigs out. The amount of turkey consumed would roughly reach 5.4 times to the moon and back, if all the turkeys were laid in a straight line. Small black holes form where enough fat people get together. It's not pretty. And I'll do my best to blend in ;^).
Linus Torvalds, 11/27/2002
"'High Fidelity,' inarguably, is the pinnacle of Cusack's career and is unequivocally the centerpiece of 'Cusackian thought,' much like 'The Fountainhead' is for objectivism." -- Matt Poston, 11/14/2002, http://www.purdueexponent.org/interface/bebop/showstory.php?date=2002/11/15§ion=columns&storyid=column
"They're not chalking every curb in town, to see where the chalk sticks" -- Mark Ashton, 10/9/2002, on why he thinks the term warchalking is broken.
"I wonder why people thought that she wouldn't get it on with their dog, though, given that she's turned on by big dog knots." -- Geoff Raye, 9/13/2002, in response to spam that advertised Some people didn't think we could get Susan to get it on with our dog, well they were proven wrong :-) and that Susan's turn-ons were Big dog knots!
"OINK -- Old Idea - New Knockoff" -- Larry Schrof, 9/12/2002
"For future reference - don't anybody else try to send patches as vi scripts, please. Yes, it's manly, but let's face it, so is bungee-jumping with the cord tied to your testicles" -- Linus Torvalds, July 14 2002
"The West Nile Virus is in the news..." -- Roe Conn
"WOOOOO!!!" -- Mike Maggio
"You know they are getting drunk when they start cheering
for deadly diseases" -- Roe Conn
July 19, 2002, at Sunscreen 89, the remote broadcast of Roe Conn & Garry Meier, hosts on WLS Newstalk 890AM
"What's funny is that this is a Time Life album. If you told the publishers of Life around WWII they'd be publishing a compilation album about butts, they'd be horrified." -- Mark Ashton, 7/16/2002, about Monster Booty, a "collection of songs about....booty"
"Here's the only thing I know that makes any sense when it comes to money: find what you enjoy doing, find what moves you to passion, find what you can't *not* do, and the miraculous thing about it is, if you're half decent at it, and dedicate yourself to getting better, and keep at it, after a while, sonuvagun, you can almost always find a way to make a living off it.
Well, before taxes, anyway."
-- J. Michael Straczynski, 7/13/2002
"Here's some sig material: there is no FAQ entry about avoiding Murphy's law." -- Sam Varshavchik, 6/26/2002
"ok, so, i'm working on this wireless monitoring software. so i create a dir for cli support tools. I call it, unsuprisingly, "clitools". And then, i think, ya know, my group is 50% girls, so i should probably rename that." -- Mark Notarus, 4/25/2002
"C++ error messages are like senate fillabusters" -- Ralph Siegler, 4/18/2002
"People tend to overestimate the impact of a technology in its first two to three years, and underestimate it about five years out," says Phil Bronner, a principal with Novak Biddle Venture Partners. http://www.nwfusion.com/news/2002/131552_04-08-2002.html 4/8/2002
"Have you ever given a man an at job?" -- Chris Stamborski, 3/7/2002
"Man, I'm glad I don't have pants on yet. This standard is so undeserving of pants." -- Sid Cammerisi, 12/17/2001
"To my knowledge, I haven't met you. However, you slept on
the bed on which I lost my virginity." -- Andrew Ho
to Mike Khalili, 11/29/2001
"I'm thinking maybe Mike
found it." -- Todd Markle, 11/30/2001
"I just remember her assaulting people with her vulva at Joes, and HoF residents sneering." -- Dave Terrell, 9/20/2001
"I'm not going to fire a $2 million missile at a $10 empty tent and hit a camel in the butt. It's going to be decisive." -- President George W. Bush on retaliation against the terrorist act of 9/11/2001, as quoted at http://www.msnbc.com/news/629589.asp from Newsweek's 9/24/2001 edition
"I'm afraid I'm gonna have massive gas up at the front of
the church" -- Keith Garner
"Do you take this
wom-- SWEET JESUS, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?" -- Benjy
Feen
7/31/2001, on Keith and Sarah's upcoming
wedding.
"Well, there are worse things than being felt up by an old chinese man on Saturday afternoon and sleeping near you two Saturday night" -- Anne Nowinski, 7/24/2001
"Only your shell knows its own history." -- Sean
O'Connor
"Others are doomed to repeat it." -- Paul Watts
on the subject of UNIX shells and external programs,
7/11/2001
"Also, I'm not sure what's the deal with the main character, she is absolutely freakish looking, it's like watching the offspring of some bizzare cross breeding of concentration camp survivors and roswell aliens." -- Libor Michalek on Ally McBeal, 5/22/2001
"Do you have any particular problem with grep? Did you have a bad experience in the past with it?" -- Wietse Venema, 5/18/2001
"The Academy Awards once again showcased the difference between the filmmaking as art and filmmaking as entertainment; and once again, the entertainment stabbed the art in the back and buried it in the backyard." -- Paul Watts, 3/25/2001
"My question is, if a mime types, isn't that kinda cheating?" -- Jason Zych, 3/23/02001
"If perl is the unix swiss army knife, then emacs is the Unix Meijer store" -- Larry Schrof, 3/6/2001
"I think that photo was taken right about the time [Jon] started cracking into beers as if they just reinstated prohibition." -- Nick Percoco, 3/1/2001, about http://www.kgarner.com/photos/2000/PostThanksgiving/pic00025.jpg.html
"Who the hell teaches these people how to set up web pages and even more important how do we prosecute them?" -- Brian White, 2/26/2001, in response to http://www.geocities.com/peterpan1720/
"You know, some of these banners [ads] have really good snippits of hard core porn" -- anonymous, 1/24/01
"Somewhere between The Pragmatic Programmer and Spanker Madness lies your brain." -- Kevin T. Stein, 11/29/2000, in reference to me and a book and CD I had on my table at work.
"Man, I was amused to find in my ~/bin directory the other day an item called 'fist'. I'm thinking 'what? what the hell did I write called '"fist"?' Turns out it was a symlink to /usr/bin/finger" -- Sean O'Connor, 11/2/2000
"Just because I've had a threesome doesn't mean I'm not a prude." -- anonymous
"Nobody wins a dick swinging contest when you're all covered in jizz." -- Dave Terrell, 10/12/2000
"Oh, does San Francisco have a McDonald's, too?" -- Jason Zych
"Yeah, but a Big Mac with cheese isn't called a Big Mac with
cheese out here. It's called a
'Ohmygodyouareeatingthatpoorcowyoumurderousbastardbutfirstexploitingitforitsmilkproducts'"
-- Vik Adukia
10/11/2000
"There are only 24 hours in my day. You just wasted a minute of it, how very useful." -- Wietse Venema, 9/27/00, smacking down someone on a mailing list.
"Sesame Street called. The letter E would like to withdraw its sponsorship of Internet cliches, and assert full rights to the use of its image and trademark sound." -- Anatoly Delm, 9/13/00
01:33 <lemson> well we finally did it. we saw the movie
01:34 <Saxgod> Which movie would that be?
01:34 <lemson> the first rule of the movie is that we do not
talk about the movie
01:34 <Saxgod> Ah. I have not yet seen that movie. Read
the book twice, though.
01:34 <lemson> we especially do not reveal the secret
surprise to those that have not seen it
01:35 <Saxgod> You mean the part at the end where
he's[]]][]][[23234NO CARRIER
01:35 *** SIGNOFF:
Saxgod!Baxter@adsl-63-195-59-3.dsl.snfc21.pacbell.net (Read error:
0 (Undefined error: 0))
-- on Fight Club, 8/27/00
"Bradley, Momence like these call for Champaign, not
Bourbonnais." -- Jason Zych
8/26/00, but
appearently originally said before this date.
"The people who didn't get it continued to not get it, and
in fact, resisted getting it" -- Keith Garner
"Yeah, that is the way of those who don't get it. If they
wanted to get it, they would have" -- Joe Doyle
8/21/99
"There are very few systems administration tasks that can't be solved by an expert and surgical deletion of the user's homedir." -- Sean O'Connor, 6/27/2000
"Every project around here, no matter how cutting edge, always winds up with writing some COBOL." -- Ralph Siegler, 6/27/2000
"I just think that history has taught us a lot about the combination of scared/angry cat + exposed genitalia" -- Sean O'Connor, 6/5/2000
"I mean, fer chrissakes, many here are already obscenely selective about beer, friends, movies, music, operating systems, and socio-economic systems. (Yes, that list is in declining order of importance.)" -- Tom Dobrowolsky, 4/6/99
"Today, Faust wouldn't sign his name in blood. He'd click on 'Accept' without even reading the part about giving up his soul." -- Kevin Poulsen on the evils of UCITA, 3/16/2000, http://www.securityfocus.com/templates/article.html?id=4
"Although I rather like the idea of documentation saying 'Click on the f-ing icon in the top left corner and then set the damned slider to whatever you f-ing like.' 'To f-ing shutdown the f-ing computer, f-ing click on the f-ing arse-named Start button.' Would make man pages a lot more interesting as well." -- hattig (SpinningNucleon FATBAT yahoo.com), on /., 3/14/2000
"She's the Ultimate Fun Assassin. Not like an assassin who's fun. She kills fun." -- Joe Doyle, 3/7/2000
"Company policy now forbids burning popcorn or self-immolation by either fire or release of body fluids near data floor sensors." -- Ralph Siegler, 10/29/99
M1000 asks:
How would you define the implementation of security on the major OS today?
Dildog answers:
-- Cult of the Dead Cow interview on Slashdot, http://slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=99/10/22/1157259&mode=nested, 10/22/99
"If you want to edit the sendmail.cf file, you're on your own. Even I consider that to be object code." -- Eric Allman, 10/9/99
If there was one thing I could tell MS... (Score:4, Funny)
by sinator (sinator-NO_SPAM-@chemical.breakdown.org) on Fri September 24, 01:15 AM CDT
(#88)
(User Info) http://chemical.breakdown.org
If there was one thing I could tell MS for their feasibility studies:
Use tcp_wrappers. The security benefits of tcp_wrappers have
been proven by Wietse Venema; the rest comes only from my
own meandering experience.
Run /sbin/lilo -U before you replace one linux distribution
with another. It helps get rid of the LI... freeze in
your MBR.
If you're going to be paranoid and deny telnet and ftp in favor
of SSH, don't send your mail passwords plaintext with POP3.
Maybe Linux will take over the desktop, maybe it won't. Maybe
InstallShield for tarballs will be created; maybe it
won't. Either way, your Mindcraft scores are half chance --
and so are everyone else's.
Be kind to your root partition. You'll miss it when it's gone.
If you don't know which direction your favorite window manager
will go, don't worry. A lot of the greatest programmers I
know had no idea what they were doing at version 2.2 ... or
even at 4.0.
Each day, activate a compiler flag that warns you.
Do not read Slate Magazine -- It will only make you feel ugly.
Accept certain truths as inevitable: USB support is dodgy,
"stable" kernels will crash, and you too will lose your
CHANGELOG -- at which point you will fantasize that when
you were at version 2.2.x, USB suited your purposes, kernels
never crashed, and people read their source code.
Read your source code. Source code is a form of nostalgia... it
lets you pick it up, parse through the comments, and audit
it to make better code in the future.
But trust me on the tcp_wrappers.
/* thanks to Baz Luhrmann */
- Seen on Slashdot on 9/24/99
From: adukia@uiuc.edu (Vikram Adukia)
Date: 8 Jul 1999 16:13:22 GMT
Subject: Catch phrase of the day
"Keepin' it real"
Sheeeeeet homez, I'm keepin' it real.
I ain't got time for that shit, gotta be keepin' it real.
And continued with:
From: linky@see.figure1.net (Jason Lindquist)
Date: 8 Jul 1999 16:21:33 GMT
Subject: Re: Catch phrase of the day
Perhaps these people's lives would be simpler if they kept it integer
instead.
Date: Fri, 04 Jun 1999 16:24:35 -0500 (CDT)
From: Chris Stamborski <cstambor@uiuc.edu>
Subject: Re: Activades para viernes?
On Fri, 4 Jun 1999, Liz Pacini wrote:
> Heavy Geek Mode?
Goes something like this. "Keith proclaims the goodness of that which is
the Linux operating system, while drinking heavily. As the night wears
on, and the sobrietly level decreases, there will be much fist pounding
on the table."
From the gospel according to Keith.
Thanks be to Linus.
"It's the ego trip of the century to write your own operating system. Highly recommended, two thumbs up!" -- Linux Torvalds on an ABC news chat session, 5/5/99
"It's beer tuesday! 7:30 pm! Bud's in Roselle...yeah
baby!" -- me in the weekly Beer Tuesday announcement.
"Mmmm, delicious waitresses, courteous food, and therapeutic
beer..." -- Tom Dobrowolsky
5/4/99
"It would be easier for the Catholic Church to admit they that had been gravely in error for their entire history, cease operations, and offer all Catholics a no-cost upgrade to the Lutheran Church." -- John Martellaro, Contributing Columnist / Mac Opinion, 3/22/99 http://www.macopinion.com/fi.cgi?url=/columns/utopia/9903/up-51.html
"Indeed, for all of Microsoft's wealth and technical savvy, even company officials admit the company has looked like a technological and courtroom neophyte in recent days, conducting its defense much like the plodding ways it develops software." -- Jube Shiver Jr., LA Times Staff Writer, 2/5/99 http://www.latimes.com/HOME/BUSINESS/t000011043.3.html
"I wanna see Win Mark Notarus's Money where the questions are interspersed with snide comments and condescending arguments." -- Chris Stamborski, 1/5/99
"Even my usual 'careful' is not very careful by other peoples standards. So when _I_ say that I wasn't very careful, you should just assume that I was reading my email about as carefully as a hyper-active hedgehog on some serious uppers. Can you say 'ignored email' three times quickly while chewing on an apple?" -- Linus Torvalds, in the 2.1.132-1 pre-patch announcement upon his return from a vacation in Finland, 12/17/98
"Oh yeah: alt.sex.fetish.linux is not the place to go looking for help -- or anything else." -- Rick Cook, "Getting help with Linux," Linux World, 12/3/98
"You know, I think I can look at your love of good beer and feel that I've accomplished something worthwhile in this life." -- Jon Roma, 11/25/98
"He [Linux Torvalds] added that he couldn't blame Microsoft
for trying to recruit talent. 'If DOS had been better in the
first place, I might not have started this.'"
-- From
the Linux World
article Linux
development discussed at Oracle OpenWorld panel
checking for Linux 2.1 or higher... no
checking for life_signs in -lKenny... no
Oh my god, they killed Kenny! You bastards!
updating cache ./config.cache
"here a bug, there a bug, everywhere a bug bug,
old lone wolf had a code base
java c java c java" -- Brian White, 11/6/98
Subject: Re: A GOOD text editor for Linux
From: Daniel Buettner <buettner@cse.unl.edu>
Newsgroups: comp.os.linux.misc, alt.religion.kibology
Ryan McGuigan <ryan@mail.ramresearch.com> wrote:
> : Heroin makes you feel good. So does booze. Does that mean they are good?
> : Obviously, there is a higher and better meaning to the word "good" than
> : just "works for me".
> Ummm... I didn't want to say anything in this thread, but... Somehow I
> doubt pico will kill you if you do too much of it... PLEASE TELL ME IF I
> AM WRONG!! :)
Well, I am sorry to have to report this, but... using pico too much can,
in fact, lead to death. Let me explain.
My roommate was (notice the past tense) very fond of pico and used it
for all of his editing needs. I have always been a big fan of vi and
often tried to convince him to switch editors. Oh how I wish that I
had. One night, he was staying up late to finish a CS project. He was
working on it when I went to bed at midnight and was still working on
it when I left for class the next morning. But when I got back after
class, I made a horrible discovery. He was dead. The keyboard cable
was wrapped around his neck. There was a note next to the computer
which said, "I had to spend an hour pressing the backspace key to
delete a large block of code and couldn't take it anymore. I should
have learned vi so I could just mark the beginning and end of the block
and delete it thusly. Goodbye, cruel world!"
Needless to say, I was pretty shaken up, but I got over really quick
when I remembered the University policy of giving straight A's to
anyone who has a roommate die an editor-related death.
So anyway, I hope that this little anecdote demonstrates to you that
pico is actually a serious threat to your life.
Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.
"I use OSS [open source software] and am not afraid to proseltize." -- Ari Gordon-Schlosberg, 11/2/98
Michael Corleone: Soldiers are paid to fight; the rebels aren't.
Hyman Roth: What does that tell you?
Michael Corleone: It tells me the rebels could win.
This quote was brought to my attention by being at the
top of a www.upside.com article about Linux. Its taken from
The Godfather, Part II
<spruance> They're pretty lame for people who really
use the hell out of the web; but then again, we're like 1%
of the population.
* BLong uses the hell out of the web
* BLong : Removing the Hell from the Web since 1992
-- Mark Notarus and Brandon Long,
10/23/98
"It's not really a vlan. It's actually a Speak-and-Spell. But they get feisty when it's down." -- Benjamin Feen, 10/22/98
"We have one guy in our group who only likes to fix man
pages." -- Theo De Raadt
"That's a very useful creature, give him any amount of sex
and drugs he wants." -- Eric S. Raymond
Oct. 3, 1998
"Speaking as someone who's done both, herding cats is easier" -- Eric S. Raymond, in response to a comment that managing programmers is as difficult as herding cats, Oct. 3, 1998
"We once thought there would never be a high quality free
operating system." -- Eric S. Raymond
"Is there?" -- Random heckler in the "Free Software" roundtable
at the ACM@UIUC Midwest
Conference
Oct. 3, 1998
"A the mozilla code release party I was walking around, listening to this gothic techno music, watching mozilla code scroll across these huge tvs, and I thought 'in some profoundly bizarre and convoluted way, all of this is my fault.'" -- Eric S. Raymond, Oct. 3, 1998.
"Java is a language that has a syntax that is suprisingly like C++. The part I like least about C++ is its syntax." -- Bjarne Stroustrup, Oct. 3, 1998
"If Gene had a grave (he doesn't, he was cremated, but if he did) and they found a turd on it one day, I bet they'd go straight to Harlan's asking question." -- Jason Lindquist on Harlan Ellison and Gene Roddenberry's feud, Sept 30, 1998.
"You know, Microsoft *does* love you" -- David Lemson
"Yeah, i know. Satan loves me too" -- Joe Gross
"You may not always love it, but it's always there, loving
and caring about you. You can't prove satan exists, but you
can prove that microsoft exists." -- David
Sep 29, 1998
"I usually plot global domination while on the toilet. 'If I start off with Canada.. *groan* ..then go across Alaska to Asia, I might just *MOAN* be able to pull this off.'" -- T.J. Eckman, Sep 29, 1998
"It's not just that Linux has a bigger dick than the others, it's also not prone to pre-mature ejaculation and failure to respond when it's services are required..." -- Jeff Edwards, jwest9+@pitt.edu, from the thread Re: Running a winmodem under Linux - My OS has a bigger dick than yours in comp.os.linux.hardware
"The only ``intuitive'' interface is the nipple. After that, it's all learned." -- Bruce Ediger, bediger@teal.csn.org on X interfaces.
"After watching my newly-retired dad spend two weeks learning how to make a new folder, it became obvious that 'intuitive' mostly means 'what the writer or speaker of intuitive likes.'" -- Bruce Ediger, bediger@teal.csn.org, in comp.os.linux.misc, on X the intuitiveness of a Mac interface.
"My hours are so flexible that they can perform oral sex on themselves." -- Rev. Tom Dobrowolsky Fri Sep 4 11:23:10 CDT 1998
"You know, computer security wannabes make my nads ache" -- Brandon Long Tue Aug 11 23:06:40 CDT 1998
"No one sleeps with an intel guy" -- Anne Nowinski
"I'll have to go ask Brandon" -- Keith Garner
In reference to the bunny person doll that Keith has, and
Brandon Long working at Intel.
hiya, Anyone attempt setting up Informix Developers SE database
on Linux yet? is there a howto? any successes/failures?
Kevin Huber <khuber@yuck.net> responded:
Informix, you no say Data me Snow me I'll go blame. A licky boom boom
down. Database man said Data me Snow me show someone down the
lane. A licky boom boom down. Informix, you no say Data me Snow me
I'll go blame. A licky boom boom down. Database man said Data me
Snow me show someone down the lane. A licky boom boom down.
Sorry, I had to get that out of my system. It's been in my head for
days now. Thank you for your support.
"The middle button is a harsh mistress." -- Mark Ashton, on cut and paste in X. 7/16/98.
"The biggest technical difference between win95 and win98 is that MS changed the little 5 in the corner to a little 8" -- Craig Kilborn on The Daily Show on Comedy Central. 6/25/98.
"You can tell a lot about a company from their hostnames." -- Brian Swetland
"Nothing can consistantly keep me in awe so much as witnessing the massive (often destructive) effects of a one-character typo." -- Larry Schrof
"If you're gonna hang your underwear out on the line to dry, you gotta make sure there's no skid marks." -- Rick Wilhelm
"If I had a nickel for every time I've seen a Usenet poster slip in an ostensibly casual reference to how much smarter he/she is than everyone else... why, I'd be able to throw a party for all my Mensa buddies!" -- Miguel Cruz (mnc@diana.law.yale.edu) in comp.os.linux.misc.
"I don't get paid to IRC, I provide that service to my employers for free." -- Keith Garner
"Are there any females in ACM?" -- Jawed Karim
"Yes, and if you stick around long enough you'll get your
turn." -- Joe Gross
"Of course, there are those who have contests of taking useless objects. You end up with stone gargoyles, CTA emergency exit handles, Cocomints, token ring boards, and Windows 3.0." -- Geoff Raye
"Get your nose out of that copy of _Wired_ and look at the real world for awhile" -- Tim Skirvin
"Windows is to UNIX as Budweiser is to Guinness." -- in the .sig file of Matt Hucke (hucke@cynico.com) seen in chi.internet
"Silly Keith. I hate you because you're an asshole!" -- Jason Luther
"I just saw a version of the cask of amontillado that involved a penis, techno music, and an orgy at my feet, and it was free." -- Jason Luther
"There was vengence?" -- Jessica Warth
"All I saw was a penis." -- Jason Luther
"The top three of Keith's body parts most likely to be
mentioned:
1) His ass
2) His beer gut
3) His penis
Well, at least ONE is above the waist." -- Paul Watts
"I need some beer goggles?" -- Jason Wessel
"Who do you need them for?" -- Joe Gross
"I need beer goggles for me!" -- Jason
"Man, its pretty bad when you're so disgusting you need beer
goggles to touch yourself." -- Keith Garner
"Man, we get all the criminals in Smith House: drug dealers, rapists, acid heads, eddie wu, gonzo, and now chris reinke!" -- Nick Percoco, on someone who supposedly made death threats against the president while at UIUC, who, after being asked to leave, ended up at ISU.
"When I used netatalk, it was slicker then goose shit." --
Erik Pennebaker
"After countless years (where "countless" is some number
less than 23) of playing baseball on geese-magnet fields, I
can assure you goose shit isn't slick. However, I will say
that netatalk is slicker than a drunk sorority bitch. :-)"
-- Jason Lindquist
As seen in uiuc.sw.linux
"Destroy the town...and everyone in it." -- Stalin in
Command & Conquer: Red Alert
"It's good to be the Stalin!" -- Brian Swetland
"What can I say, Keith? You're just that... um... thoughts-about-buttocks-provoking kinda guy." -- Anonymous
"I'm gonna fuck this bitch, gonna fuck this bitch, I'LL FUCK
ANYTHING THAT MOVES" -- Keith Garner quoting Jay from
Clerks.
"We know." -- Mark Roth
"AOL. Serving America's blank disc needs." -- Kurt Harland
"I was singing Christmas carols until it got windy, then I started swearing." -- Jason Luther
"LUG - install workshop this week - new machine isn't here - so Keith felt compelled to call someone 'jag-offs' Keith, would you be referring to MicroOrder Center??" -- ACM exec meeting minutes 11/18/96
"Well, you see, you're giving me a free t-shirt, so you can call me anything you want." - Larry Schrof
"Fixdist is too cool. it's this IBM tool to get patches and it uses a motif progress bar. Since it's standart motif you can actually drag the bar to 100%. Of course, it doesn't actually make it go faster but it gives you something to do while you're waiting." -- Joe Gross
"I thought it was pretty cool for Kurt Loder. I mean if Tabitha has to wear shiny tight shirts w/o bras and nipples erect to gain viewership the lest the old fart could do is to say he's not gettin any." -- Anne Nowinski
"Sigs are like penises - they should be large enough to work, but not so large they become obvious among polite company." -- trebor@sirus.com as seen in news.admin.net-abuse.misc.
"Comparing an OS with no memory protection with a OS that _does_ have full memory protection is like comparing a bicycle with a car. Sure, the bike is light-weight and simple. A child can understand how a bike works. A bike is easy to debug. But a bike does DO what a car can do, and when it rains you'll be wet as h*ll on the bike." -- Linus Torvalds
"And you'll probably drink... and pass out naked in the bathroom of DCL with an Apple computer sticker on your forehead and 'Bill Gates is GOD' bumper sticker across your butt." -- Michelle Flugge, predicting what would happen if I went to Joe's Brewery to go dacning when I had an MP due the next day, and had planned on working on it after Joe's.
"I'm having a great time, I'm about to have sex with Lisp" -- Larry Schrof
"Last time I called the local suicide prevention line, I got a fucking message. I was too busy laughing my ass off to kill myself. I suppose it worked." -- Tori Lease
"Oh, and don't construe this mention of Hitler as a close to this thread." -- Geoff Raye, in uiuc.general
"You [Keith Garner], Mark, Joe, and Wessel: are basically the four elements as far as I'm concerned :)" -- Larry Schrof
"I sacrificed a small animal to the name resolving gods, but I think they're looking for small children. Kind soothing words don't help, either." -- Jason Luther
"I'm halfway through writing a starcon 3 emulator. Basicly, it displays a picture of an empty store shelf. Most people won't know the difference. The cool thing is, this emulator can be ported to other things: Like, say, 'programming perl rev 2'" -- Mark Notarus, 10/9/96
"If they're not having sex, what's the point of dating?" -- Joe Gross
"Zippy for President, unless we can draft Jon to run..." -- Jason Lindquist
"Unless she falls in love like Anne has orgasms..." -- K.C. Smith
"When I state that you are a bonehead I mean it personally. If I were working for any other department on campus I would still believe you are a bonehaed." -- Joe Gross
"One does not have to be a sysadmin to point out you're a bonehead." -- Joe Gross
<tmboy> But orgasms are pretty close to heaven. In
fact, heaven must be one long eternal orgasm where you never
get tired or sweaty, and never out of breath and its never
over just one, long, intense orgasm.
* tmboy goes to
pray
--Anne Nowinski
"Ncftp in command-line mode is smarter than most LAS
majors." -- Jason Lindquist
"So is 'rant | jive'" -- Dan Zink,
"The first thing I looked at on your homepage were the quotes page, which I have strived all summer to get on....I actually tried to think of really witty things to say for the first two weeks we were here." -- Philip Parker, my roommate for the summer in Durham, NC.
"The cluster needs to be burped" -- K.C. Smith
"Do they have an emacs mug?" -- Joe Gross
"Yeah, but to list everything emacs does, it's the size of a
55 gallon drum." -- Jon Roma
While discussing a "vi reference" mug that could be
ordered.
"If women knew how we really looked at them, they wouldn't stop slapping us." -- Larry Miller in Dr. Katz office
"Ken Chen wishes he was as pissed as me right now" -- Byron Faber
"I was thinking, some girls you need to drink until they're cute; with me, you need to drink until i'm cool" -- Paul Swanson
"Friends are just enemies who don't have the guts to kill you." -- Judy Tenudo on Comedy Central's Dr. Katz.
"If I wanted to play mind games, I'd get a girlfriend..." -- Brian Sabo, while watching the Real World where one of the guys admits he likes to play mind games with people.
"Sandra Bullock is a slutty, skanky, telnetless whore." -- Fred Jacobs, while involved in a discussion of Bullock's movie The Net where he meant to say talent.
"My life is eat sleep work fuck eat sleep work fuck east
slep work fuck" -- Adam Quigley
"well, you got "fuck" in there" -- Fred Jacobs
"Actually, I was lying about that" -- Adam
Monday, April 29
"Brandon Long is never lame....mostly" -- Brandon Long
"We don't pee in your pool...." -- Fred Jacobs
"SO STOP FUCKING MY WIFE@#$@!$#@!$#" -- Jason Beatty
"Hi, we play ska music....its jewish reggae!" -- Lead singer from Greenhouse, a ska band from Chicago.
"He couldnt find a clit if it hit him in the face (you can quote me on that one)" -- anonymous person
"I don't know why people make things so complicated... we trust our judgement on every other subject... except relationships." -- Jessica Warth
"I heard he has a schlong that would put most rhinos to shame." -- Joe Marton
"If we don't know about it, it isn't broken" -- Charley Kline
"And I couldn't get laid if a pussy fell out of the sky and onto my dick." -- Joe Marton
"I can't write to a chick." -- Keith Garner
"Why's that?" -- Jason Lindquist
"Cuz everything I write sounds stupid." -- Keith Garner
"Guys ALWAYS sound stupid when writing to a chick." --
Charley Kline
"Oh come on, it's easy!
Dear <name>,
You looked pretty hot tonight at that ACM thing. Wanna come
over and make my java hot?
Love, Keith" -- Jason Lindquist
After an ACM general meeting Java talk when Keith met a
girl.
"You show me a woman and I'll show you a woman who can be fisted." -- Pete Zurich
"TCP/IP: The Coolest Penis Isn't Pete0's" -- Fred Jacobs
"How big is it?" -- Byron Faber
"Big. Well, not huge. Whoa, a lot bigger than i thought.
Hang on." -- Charley Kline
"Uh oh.. I think we just made ark's quote page" -- Byron Faber
"The Internet is a way of life. But don't forget to bring your Visa card. While the Internet accepts morons and dillholes, it doesn't accept American Express." -- Joe Marton.
"'a brain tumor support group.' My brain tumor is sad!" -- Geoff Raye, while reading about some newsgroup in Wired.
* minjo gets out her pink Mary Kay uzi
"Woh... how much do you have to sell before they give you
that? Do you get that before or after the Cadillac?" --
Regis, Jason Lindquist
"It comes with two lipsticks, a blush, and mascara so you
can look good in combat. It comes before the cadillac AND
the pink tank. But after the assault rifle" -- minjo,
Michelle Flugge
"Assault rifles are cooler than Uzis. They have *range*."
-- Jason
"The assault rifle comes with a mirror and a perfume sampler
all in pink too I wear my fur trimmed pink fatigues of
course with pink combat boots" -- Michelle
"I hate morning wood. Axel [the dog] always takes great interest in it and then i have to beat the crap out of him. dammit dog, get away from that." -- Charley Kline
"I say we should call it cs 281 because cs stands for Completely Sucky" -- Pete Zurich
"You know that the only chick I woul get it on with is Melissa Etheridge" -- Michelle Flugge
"Lisa is well known for her socks!" -- Michelle
Flugge commenting on how her sister's socks always match
her outfit, sometime in July. This ended up in Keith
Garner's .sig files with which Pete Zurich responded
with:
"Keith is well known for he sucks!" -- Pete
Zurich
"Ya right, if it was that simple i'd be all over my TA's."
-- Peter Zurich
"Most of your TA's are men" -- Keith Garner
"So?" -- Pete
While discussing the theory of sex for letter grades with
new TA Byron Faber, Oct. 2, 1995
"That is kinda like when I heard Kurt Cobain blew his brains out, I said 'Well, that disproves one theory.'" -- Jason Beatty, Aug. 30, 1995
"If someone gave me flowers I'd eat them." -- Fred Jacobs, Sept. 15, 1995 while trying to be weird. This isn't exactly what he had in mind.
"Hey, what's the plural for ignoramus?"
"I don't know..."
-- Conversation overheard by Jason Beatty in the ISR
computer lab, Sept. 5, 1995
"If it wasn't for us, you guys would have to fuck each other." -- Shelly Farrier, Aug 28, 1995.
"I've got kermit the fucking frog for a phycs107 prof." -- Brian White
"I fell asleep in that class and woke up when I uncontrollably let out a fart" -- Jason Mast
"Lisa, you're too much of a wuss to get a real tattoo." --
Keith Garner
"I was almost too much of a wuss to get a fake one." --
Lisa Payne
"I'll rip your clit into four piecs and wrap it around your fucking head if you don't tell me." -- Bob Sobel
"I want to have sex with as many girls as I POSSIBLY can!!!!! =)" -- Adam Quigley
"My momma told me, you better sleep around..." -- Sarah Shockley misquoting a song.
"I can't /fuck anymore!" -- Jason
Beatty
"Don't be sad. i was never much good at /fuck either." --
Jon Roma
"That's the thing...it was the only thing i was good at!" --
Jason
"Well, fucking is a good skill to have." -- Jon
"I can't write code, I can't do math...I don't do homework
too often. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter
of physics, i wonder how the HELL i got an A in physics
here...." -- Jason
"Fucking Florida? is that a new state? I wanna go
there..." -- Mikey Maggio
"Yeah, its a fucking new state with a fucking cool persona"
-- Heather Trzaskus
"And a fucking kewl vacation plan" -- Keith Garner
"Is that why florida is shaped like a penis?" -- Mikey
"It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education." -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
"Someone oughtta melt the ice between her legs, man, and then work on the icicles in her brain" -- Michelle Flugge
"My email was, like, malfunctioning" -- Some girl in Peter Zurich's English 103 class
* Haggas isn't one for BAD
* Haggas is one for FUN
"You never know when a 'friend' is going to send a nasty e-mail to the President from your account." -- David Lemson
<Lone-Wolf> *phix* can you send me a mpeg
<Lone-Wolf> do you want PORN BOB?
<Lone-Wolf> is that what you want? naked chicks and people
fucking?
<Lone-Wolf> is that what you want? yes or no
<Lone-Wolf> yes or no
<phix> yes
<phix> yes
<phix> yes
<Lone-Wolf> ok.... just wanted you to admit to
everyone you're a sicko
<phix> i'm a sicko
"What in the hell was mortality? Shitting, pissing, eating, and then the same cycle all over again!" -- The Vampire Lestat, in Anne Rice's The Tale of the Body Theif
"An idle shell is the devil's playground." -- Joe Gross
"At 2:46 a.m., i don't care whether my dick is shaken or stirred. DRINK. Dammit." -- Jon Roma
"The lettuce at Beckman is scarier than the ham in The Jungle" -- Anne Nowinski
"Riker69, just like seven up....Never had it, never will" -- Jason Beatty
"At least Scottie was just BORED." -- Charley Kline
"First...there's no way your dick is shorter then mine.." -- Byron Faber to Peter Zurich
"Who is completely out of TP." -- Reece Joyner
"No shit." -- Keith Garner
"What do you listen to when NIN isn't depressing enough?" -- Peter Zurich
"Joe Marton is the biggest flaming BUNGHOLE I have ever seen post in ANY newsgroup." -- Peter Zurich
"Very funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes." -- someone's .sig file.
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." -- Nietzsche (Groening)
"Water on your ass is snow on a mountain" -- Anne Nowinski
"Everything that goes wrong here is your fault. It says so in your contract!" -- Quark on Deep Space Nine
"I don't have an orgasm waxing the damn kitched floor." -- On Quantum Leap
"Oh, that's a cat? I thought someone was losing their load all over your screen." -- Bob Booth
"I didn't know who you were...nobody informed me you were cool" -- Byron Faber
"I'm like thinking that I'm going to run into the Voyager if I get any farther a way from civilization..." -- Clayton Donley
The legend of Brian White's fart, as told by Keith Garner
and Jon Roma.
Brian White, freshman in engineering, was injured today as
he ignited a fart, and proceed to set himself on fire. UI
Fire Department officials say investigators believe the fire
began in White's ass and rapidly spread through his large
intestine and then engulfed his entire body. Damage was
estimated at $40,000.
"Everything I ever needed to know about System Administration I learned in kindergarden" -- Ken Chen
"I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse then anything else that has ever happened, and vice versa." -- Frank Zappa
"You sound like a horny forrest gump on acid" -- found on alt.sex.stories (by Anne Nowinski)
"Is it better to have Diet Mountain Dew, or no Mountain dew at all?" --Rich Nuttle
"Hey, it's a smoking pancreas" -- Jon Roma
"I'm looking for an orgasmic ally." -- unknown
"ok.... Maybe I didn't follow the instructions that well :)" -- Brian White
"I don't fuck people by accident." -- Peter Zurich
"Too bad for Peter, he couldn't have been serious, some of
the best sex is accidental (don't tell my girlfriend I said
that)" -- Libor
"The condom ads featured pictures of wrapped condoms along with such slogans as 'One of these will make you 1-1,000th of an inch larger.'" -- AP news article.
"'Well lets not start sucking each other's dicks just yet,'"
-- Anne Nowinski
"Is that in Hamlet?" -- Keith Garner
"God.. let's not get into fucking religion again... Jesus H. Tap Dancin' Christ.." -- Mikey Maggio III
"What the fuck is crawling up my underwear?" -- Brian White
"I'd suck disk for a T1" -- Brian Peterson
"Judiasm is cool, you get to wear beanies and shit!" -- Mikey Maggio III
"Boy, that's the fastest I've ever seen an article of
clothing move!" -- Charley Kline
"I could think of other contexts where that would be handy!"
-- Jon Roma
"Let me assure you, my gonads are no more damaged then usual." -- Alex Feygin responding to Ms. Plesko
"Marc is not warped enough to create a ScottieBot." -- Jon Roma
"Anyone that says 'is she hot?' on irc should be auto-kicked.." -- Marc Jeray
"PSInet...Performance Systems Internations, supposedly. I think it's pittiful sucky internet." -- Chuck Kane
"All these butts are giving me a woody" --Adam Quigley
"God.. we're still talking about religion here?? jesus christ.." --Mikey Maggio
"Would you be offended if i told you you were wasting the one life you have worrying about the next one?" --Jon Roma
"I've found that writing a song is a lot like taking a shit, sometimes it just comes out, other times you really have to push." --Bob Sobel
"The Vice Geek is Ark (Keith)" -- Michael J Maggio III
"Stop me before I rip off his head and shit down his neck!" -- Charley Kline
<cvk> Empowerment sucks.
<cvk> Stratification sucks.
<cvk> Elitism sucks.
<cvk> Segregation sucks.
<Fun-Boy> Bigotry sucks.
<cvk> PC sucks.
<Fun-Boy> Stupidity sucks.
<cvk> Arrogance sucks.
<Fun-Boy> Vixen sucks.
"....it's none of your business Mom.....Okay, I'm screwing my roommate!!" -- Scott Craig
"I LIKE TO MULTITASK DAMMIT" -- Scott Craig
"Yeah, the mattress is out of the back of the truck now" -- Charley Kline
"Pete, we'll have ISDN next year" -- Keith
Garner
"No we won't, Keith, we'll still be spanking our monkeys in
ISR." -- Peter Zurich
*** Topic for #uiuc: <Magneto> taste it, bitch!
<Fun-Boy> Does he have his thingy with him?
<cvk> I donno, ask him
<Magneto> cvk: no
*** Action: Magneto hasn't had a working thingy for quite sometime
"'What do you use that sun on your desk for?' they ask. It's a 15,000 dollar clock!" -- Reece Joyner, sysadmin for the student cluster
"If you're not coming over to fuck after 10 p.m., don't come at all." -- from the Beverly Hills, 90210 soap summary in the DI
"Jon, we got one point." -- Charley Kline
"I'm not used to scoring!" -- Jon Roma
"Love is in the air, or did someone cut the cheese?" -- Peter Zurich
"I can't even think!" -- Jon Roma
"Hey, fuckbean....this is personal now" -- Chief on IRC
"It's dweeby DOS users" -- Jon Roma
"Dan, the cum-connoisseur" -- Blaine, a guy down the hall.
"Just like Jesus Christ died for our sins, Trent is pissed on behalf of all of us." -- Charley Kline
"Shit the fuck up" -- Scott Craig
"Don't be offended just because we don't give a rat's ass" -- Peter Zurich
"Who pissed in your cornflakes this morning?" -- Charley Kline
"There isn't a any woman that could make me turn from blading at this point or saying the word fuck." -- Scott Craig
"Recompiling doesn't matter...it's Solaris." -- Jon Roma
"I can't believe we don't have lives." --Jon Roma